Aria’s Updates

Short updates and thoughts.

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It’s really hard to go from chronically unemployed to working a job with mandatory overtime Monday through Friday. I’m making it work though. Still wish I had more time to hang out with my wife/girlfriends and play with my computer. What’s the point of working so hard if I’ve got no time to enjoy it? Trying really hard to not give a shit about work when I’m not there. Maintain that separation a little bit more. Doesn’t help also that I’ve been having computer problems recently. Even on my time off I couldn’t play with my computer the way I wanted to because I was just migrating settings and getting things working how I wanted them. I think NixOS has provided a solution to that problem though. I’m outside currently. Admiring the thicket and the golden sunshine. Hearing the bunnies capering through the brush. Sky’s stark blue, no clouds. Someone’s using a powertool down the way. My wife is pacing, thinking, over there. I love all this. The work is worth it. Just hope I can keep it up.

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Hello again. How are you? I’ve mostly been tired and sore from my new job. It’s okay though; the job is fulfilling. And even if I’m still stressed out from social interactions, it’s better than customer service! I still have some pretty concerning mental health challenges, but it’s still getting better, I think. Thinking of myself as an ecosystem helps. My wife reminded me that we are all just meat the other day when I was stressing. That was weirdly helpful. There’s no reason to worry about your mistakes, your faux pas, etc. Because every one of us is just a bag of mostly water stumbling through life on our electrical and chemical impulses. I feel like if I can just grok that I will live a healthy, happy life. I’ve also switched my zettelkasten to Telekasten and taken first steps to switching everything to Neovim. For a long time, I was sure I should learn Emacs. Then I started to realize why all the Emacs hacks try to be like Vim. Modal is just faster and more direct than chording. Plus, now I can do most of my work directly from the terminal. The plugin situation is somewhat muddled, but Emacs has the same problem. Anyway, that’s been fun. Hope you’re having a good time, whatever you’re up to. Only get one go around. Take care. o kama jo pona a.

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Hi!~ It’s been a minute. Short update: I’m having a good time in the warmer weather. I’ve also been writing notes, connecting ideas, studying… And getting a new job! In short, I’ve been busy. But, I’m happy, all in all. There’s a lot to be glad for. I hope you are too. Until next time.

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I’ve been zeroing in on my mental health recently. Internal Family Systems models the mind in a really helpful way I think. In this model, you think of the self as a collection of disparate sub-personalities all around a central core Self. It has been really helpful so far. I may write about it later.

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Just really embarrassed myself talking with my ego. Painful. Confusing. I have to remember that I shouldn’t say things that only serve my own interest. Asking myself: How does this assist the synthesis of the world-slime?

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Everything is trained behavior. Everything. Pavlovian conditioning all the way down. Be mindful of the ways you are being conditioned and conditioning others.

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Recently, I’ve been struggling with suicidality again. Today, unexpectedly, I read the first chapter of Charlotte’s Web. It really resonated with me. I saw my situation in the whole exchange. Me, the runt piglet; Me, the farmer who wants to kill it; and, everyone who loves me, the bleeding-heart child begging to spare the it. In the end, you have to let yourself be saved.

I think I can turn this around.